Plan Your Funeral Your Way

“To die will be an awfully big adventure.” M. Barrie’s Peter Pan

Personalising Your Final Farewell

Plan your funeral your way by personalising the service and wake to reflect your life’s passions, dreams, accomplishments and legacy. Many of us have been to a funeral, unfortunately one too many.

Setting aside your grief, can you reflect on the funeral/s objectively. Ask yourself: What was it like? Where was it held? Was the service religious and or traditional? Would you like the same type of funeral? How could your funeral be unique? Would you like it to be personalised to suit you, reflect your values, depict your lifestyle, and capture who you really are?

No one needs to settle for a “cookie cutter” same same funeral and reception. Think outside the square. Don’t settle for what is always done or expected at funerals.

Planning a funeral can be an emotional and challenging task. However, it also provides an opportunity to celebrate life in a deeply personal and meaningful way. If you are suffering illness or involved in the transplant process I have written posts on Palliative Care and End of Life Planning in order to support patients and their families navigate these confronting necessities.

Expanding on these posts, here is a guide to help you create a personalised funeral that reflects your personality, values, and wishes or those of a loved one. 

Planning Your OWN Funeral

A friend was dying of cancer. He had a few weeks to live. Uniquely, he asked his mates to go to Costco. They bought a cheap pine coffin. It had rope handles and all. He promptly and unceremoniously had it placed on the dining table. 

When family and friends came to visit it was compulsory to have a beer and sign the coffin. Everyone was encouraged to add items to the coffin. People decorated the coffin with messages, memories and stories. Graffiti was encouraged. It really normalised the approaching death. Not only for my friend but all who loved him.  

“While I thought that I was learning how to live, I have been learning how to die.”

— Leonardo da Vinci

Another person was a historian who loved all things Viking. The family lived in the country with their own dam and nearby campfire. He had arranged for a miniature boat to be built. After he was cremated, his family placed his ashes in the miniature boat. They also included other possessions. They didn’t have anyone able to shoot flaming arrows. Instead they set fire to the boat and pushed it off into their dam. The boat was made of natural untreated materials that disintegrated leaving no trace. His Funeral His Way.

Planning My Funeral My Way

With my husband I planned my funeral. Poems and prayers which were close to my heart were shared and they are featured below. I asked a number of people to do a eulogy for me. I chose people who knew me from different areas of my life. On Spotify I created a funeral playlist and a wake playlist.

Personally I did not want a coffin or funeral director to be involved. Instead I want my body taken from the morgue directly to the crematorium. This saves tens of thousands of dollars in expenses. 

Once my ashes are available my family will hold a soire’e. I envisaged it to start with a form of service including prayers, eulogies and poems. This would evolve into an open mic opportunity. I think the trick with getting an open mic is to have at least 10 other people primed and ready to talk to get the ball rolling so to speak.

The gathering would morph into a celebration / party where the money saved avoiding funeral costs could be splashed out on a fancy cocktail / dance party. 

Funeral Music Choices

Selecting the right music for a funeral ad later reception/wake is a deeply personal decision that can significantly impact the tone and atmosphere of the service. In the context of a funeral, music takes on a particularly poignant role, offering comfort, expressing grief, and celebrating the life of the deceased. A useful resource I discovered during my research is: funeral celebrants music.

The music at my wake would set the tone for celebration and joy. The people attending my funeral are all special to me and represent the passing of years and the legacy created during my life. I would hope they feel celebrated and appreciated. When I count my blessings I count my loved ones twice!

For my wake the opening song would be Kylie Minogue’s Dancing https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-BDImdAfodA. Followed by Pinks’s Never Going To Stop Dancing: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iqYK79jCssA. You get the idea.

Personal Funeral Touches: Reflecting Individuality

The following ideas are a starting point only. Really it’s up to your imagination, budget and personal circumstances.

Favourite Music: compile music that was meaningful. This could include songs which are sentimental, favourites, particular genres, or even live performances by friends or family members. 

As mentioned, I created a playlist to make it easier for my family. Its’ a great playlist to listen to at anytime.  

Favourite Colour: Guests to the funeral may be asked to wear a particular colour to symbolise hope and peace. For my donor sister’s funeral, Rowena Laulilii everyone was asked to wear white. Whatever your favourite colour invite your guests to wear it as a sign of solidarity and support to you and your loved ones.

Personalised Readings: Select poems, quotes, or religious texts that resonate with the individual’s beliefs and experiences. Invite close friends or family to share personal stories or anecdotes. This can be in the form of a eulogy or during an open mic opportunity.

I have included two of my chosen poems later in this post. They have significance to me. However, there are so many to choose from.

Unique Venue: Consider holding the service in a location that held special significance for the deceased, such as a beach, garden, or a favourite park. 

Sadly my nephew passed away in September 2020. He was a tree hugging, nature loving, ocean going kind of guy. We held his service and wake as one big picnic by the beach in Port Stephens. We had rugs and chairs, umbrellas and a display of his artwork to personalise the scene. 

After the formalities we walked into the water and floated native flannel flowers. We then had a picnic and BBQ. Every guest received a photo of Patty attached to a packet of Forget Me Not seeds. 

Celebrating Life: Activities and Tributes

Memory Boards and Videos: Create photo boards or video montages that capture significant moments and milestones in the person’s life. This visual tribute can be a powerful way to remember and honour them. It is a beautiful keepsake that is easy to share.

Memory Sharing: Encourage attendees to share their memories and stories during the service. As mentioned, a microphone can be set up. Creating a memory book where people can write down their thoughts is also a lovely keepsake. It is a nice option to have a photo with a board surrounding it where people can sign their names. The entire photo and board can then be framed.

Symbolic Gestures: Incorporate rituals or symbolic actions that reflect your or your loved one’s life and passions. This could include floating flowers, releasing dandelions on the breeze, lighting candles, or planting a tree.

Personalised Services: Tailoring the Ceremony

Customised Programs: Design service programs that include photos, quotes, and a brief biography. This can serve as a keepsake for attendees. However, a bookmark is a great alternative. Remember you do not need to add this expense or go to this effort just because it’s been common to do so in the past. Rewrite your script!

Theme-Based Decoration: Choose decorations that reflect the person’s hobbies, interests, or favourite colours. For instance, if they loved gardening, you could use floral arrangements featuring their favourite flowers.

Eulogy and Tributes: Select speakers who knew you or the deceased well to deliver eulogies and tributes. Their personal insights and stories can provide comfort and a deeper understanding of the person’s life. Remember you can have more than one eulogy.

Funeral Planning Ahead: Ensuring Wishes Are Honoured

Pre-Planning Services: Many funeral homes offer pre-planning services that allow individuals to specify their wishes in advance. This can ease the burden on loved ones and ensure that the funeral reflects the person’s preferences. However, if you are like I was in palliative care you may be in no state to prearrange logistics. I had to settle with a list of ideas, a Spotify playlist, and sending my contact list to my hubby. 

Written Wishes: Encourage individuals to document their funeral preferences in writing, including details about the type of service, music, readings, and any specific requests.

Open Communication: Discuss funeral plans with family members and close friends. Open communication can help ensure that everyone’s wishes and expectations are aligned.

Funeral Planning Support and Resources

Professional Guidance: Consider working with a funeral director or celebrant who can provide guidance and support throughout the planning process. Their expertise can help you navigate the various options and decisions.

Bereavement Support: Remember that planning a funeral is an emotional journey. Seek out support groups or counselling services to help cope with grief and loss. The transplant team can refer your loved ones to a social worker or counsellor. A GP / family doctor can write a mental health care plan to assist reduce costs when seeing a psychologist using the medicare rebate (Australian readers). 

Original Funeral Themes

Here are some personalised funeral options available to start you thinking.

A Green Theme 

For those who are environmentally conscious, a “greener” end-of-life option can be a fitting tribute. This can include eco-friendly caskets, natural burials, and biodegradable urns. Such choices not only honour the deceased’s commitment to the environment but also help in preserving nature for future generations.

If I was going to be buried, I would like my grave to feature a beautiful herb garden. Only herbs that can be useful in a cocktail are allowed in this sacred space at the foot of my tombstone.

Mediaeval Theme

A mediaeval-themed funeral can be a grand and unique way to celebrate a life. This might include period-specific costumes, decorations reminiscent of a bygone era, and even mediaeval music to create an atmosphere that transports guests to another time.

Viking Funeral

For those fascinated by Norse mythology and history, a Viking-themed funeral could be the perfect homage. Elements could include a Viking ship replica for the service, traditional Viking music, and symbolic artefacts that reflect the spirit of the ancient warriors. As mentioned above, a friend had a viking inspired funeral. Floating biodegradable paper boats is another idea.

Spiritual and Religious Ceremonies

A spiritual or religious ceremony can be deeply meaningful, incorporating rituals and symbols that align with your beliefs or those of the deceased. Whether it’s a traditional religious service or a more eclectic spiritual gathering, these ceremonies can provide solace and a sense of peace to those left behind.

Sports-Themed Tributes

For sports enthusiasts, a sports-themed tribute can be a wonderful way to celebrate their passion. This might include incorporating team colours into the décor, displaying memorabilia, and even hosting the service at a sports venue or club that was significant. 

Harley Hearse

For the motorbike enthusiast, a Harley hearse can be a fitting and memorable way to make their final journey. This unique option reflects their love for the open road and the freedom of riding.

Beachside or Surfing Memorials

The circle is a symbol of Heaven. We often see or are perhaps part of a memorial on the water. Surfing friends, family, enthusiasts will swim out on their boards and form a circle on the water in tribute to a lost soul. You can then release biodegradable lanterns or flowers into the ocean, write heartfelt messages in the sand, and release (biodegradable) ashes from the beach or the human circle atop their surfboards. 

An appropriate beachside poem to consider including is this:

The Tide Recedes

The tide recedes

but leaves behind

bright seashells on the sand.

The sun goes down,

but gentle warmth

still lingers on the land.

The music stops,

And yet it echoes on

in sweet refrains.

For every joy that passes,

something beautiful remains.

BY M D HUGHES

Other Funeral Themes

Themed funerals can be tailored to reflect any interest or hobby of the deceased. From a favourite book or movie theme to a celebration of a particular era or style, the possibilities are endless.

Symbols of Heaven and Hope

Incorporating symbols of hope and renewal can add a profound element to the service.

Dove Release: A dove release symbolises the soul’s journey to peace and freedom. It can be a beautiful and moving tribute, offering a sense of closure and upliftment.

Butterfly Release: Releasing butterflies can symbolise transformation and the continuation of life. This delicate gesture can provide a moment of beauty and reflection during the service.

Releasing Dandelions: provide guests with a dandelion each and release the fronds into the breeze to float serenely away.

Floating Flower Stems:  Select a favourite flower or flowers in season and economical to float and then mesmerizingly drift away on the current of a river, stream, lagoon or ocean.   

Floral Arrangements

Floral arrangements can be customised to reflect the personality and preferences of you or the deceased. Whether it’s favourite flowers, colours, or a design that tells a unique story.  Personalised floral tributes can add a touch of beauty and sentiment to the service. 

At the time when my dad passed his favourite flower, hydrangeas were in bloom. My yard was full of shrubs heavily covered in flowers. These hydrangea shrubs were from the OJ stock from my grandparents home in Long Jetty back in the 1960’s. A friend created a beautiful floral tribute for Dad’s coffin and the church using the hydrangeas.  

Poems Provide Peace For Mourners 

When sorrow leaves us lost for words, poetry can be a comforting companion. Delivering a eulogy or tribute can be an overwhelming prospect in times of grief. If you find this daunting, a carefully selected poem or reading can be a profoundly touching alternative.

A great resource to assist you in making your literary choice, Poems Provide Comfort/ have curated a collection of both religious and secular poems for your consideration and convenience. 

These are my choices below that have been meaningful to me since I was a young teenager. 

My Life Closed Twice Before Its Close

My life closed twice before its close

It yet remains to see

If Immortality unveil

A third event to me

So huge, so hopeless to conceive

As these that twice befell.

Parting is all we know of heaven,

And all we need of hell.

BY EMILY DICKINSON

This poem by Emily Dickinson is one of my favourites. It is a poem I heard at a funeral and have selected it to feature at my own funeral. In the poem’s first stanza, Emily contemplates the potential of her having to face another heartbreaking departure in the time she has left in this life. 

The poem concludes with thoughtful musings on the mysterious depths of death. As suggested by the famous American poet, saying goodbye to our loved ones brings us a step closer to the unfathomable world that lies beyond death, be it Heaven, the underworld, or something entirely different.

After Apple-Picking 

My long two-pointed ladder’s sticking through a tree

Toward heaven still,

And there’s a barrel that I didn’t fill

Beside it, and there may be two or three

Apples I didn’t pick upon some bough.

But I am done with apple-picking now.

Essence of winter sleep is on the night,

The scent of apples: I am drowsing off.

I cannot rub the strangeness from my sight

I got from looking through a pane of glass

I skimmed this morning from the drinking trough

And held against the world of hoary grass.

It melted, and I let it fall and break.

But I was well

Upon my way to sleep before it fell,

And I could tell

What form my dreaming was about to take.

Magnified apples appear and disappear,

Stem end and blossom end,

And every fleck of russet showing clear.

My instep arch not only keeps the ache,

It keeps the pressure of a ladder-round.

I feel the ladder sway as the boughs bend.

And I keep hearing from the cellar bin

The rumbling sound

Of load on load of apples coming in.

For I have had too much

Of apple-picking: I am overtired

Of the great harvest I myself desired.

There were ten thousand thousand fruit to touch,

Cherish in hand, lift down, and not let fall.

For all

That struck the earth,

No matter if not bruised or spiked with stubble,

Went surely to the cider-apple heap

As of no worth.

One can see what will trouble

This sleep of mine, whatever sleep it is.

Were he not gone,

The woodchuck could say whether it’s like his

Long sleep, as I describe its coming on,

Or just some human sleep.

BY ROBERT FROST

One of my favourite sayings that I use all the time originates from this poem by Robert Frost. In part, I guess as transplant recipients we have at some point been handed ‘the stem end of the blossom.’

This poem by Robert Frost tells the story of a dying man reflecting on his life. His regret for unaccomplished desires or adventures is represented or symbolised by apple picking. The line “And there’s a barrel that I didn’t fill” continues his lament of unfulfilled desires and regrets. The poem reflects our own wishes to have done more, loved more, laughed more, achieved and discovered more. Our wish to find meaning before our own death.

In Closing … 

Creating a personalised funeral service is a meaningful way to honour and celebrate your or a loved one’s life. By incorporating individual touches, unique tributes, and open communication, you can ensure that the funeral is a true reflection of the deceased’s spirit and legacy. Planning ahead and documenting wishes can provide peace of mind and ease the emotional burden on family and friends. Thus, allowing them to focus on remembering and cherishing the memories of you or their loved one.

You may find these posts helpful: How To Claim TPD Insurance and End of Life Planning: A Complete Guide

If you have unique funeral ideas please consider sharing them here with our community using the form below.

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Wednesday

References

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Australian organ donor register. (n.d.). Services Australia. Retrieved July 22, 2024, from https://www.servicesaustralia.gov.au/australian-organ-donor-register

Cursa. (2021, May 29). Read about the informational blog – Your Funeral, Your Way. Funeral Home. https://elysianfieldsfunerals.com.au/your-funeral-your-way/

Funeral wishes. (2021, March 15). NSW Government. https://www.nsw.gov.au/family-and-relationships/planning-for-end-of-life/funeral-wishes

Planning a funeral: 10 steps to help families – Southern Metropolitan…. (n.d.). SMCT. Retrieved July 22, 2024, from https://smct.org.au/plan/10-steps-to-planning-a-funeral

Way to go: Research. (n.d.). Cemeteries & Crematoria NSW. Retrieved July 22, 2024, from https://www.cemeteries.nsw.gov.au/community/planning-burial-and-cremation/way-go-research

What is palliative care? (n.d.). Palliative Care Australia. Retrieved July 22, 2024, from https://palliativecare.org.au/what-is-palliative-care